My Story
I went through my own separation in 2006, completing the divorce in 2015. I know firsthand what it’s like to experience the emotional pain, anger, and fear that occur during divorce. I have been right where you are.
Divorce was something I never thought about or even contemplated, but it can happen to anyone. It happened to me. It was the biggest, most shocking, and difficult life-changing experience. It tore my family apart, bringing intense feelings of great pain and destruction.
This article shares the gems I learned about the emotional rollercoaster of separation and divorce. If you can understand this process, it will help you minimise the impact on yourself and your children.
While for some people, separation and divorce are a relieving end to an abusive, extremely toxic, or unhappy marriage, for others, the disintegration of the relationship and the divorce itself can cause deep psychological distress, especially anxiety and depression that can affect your ability to move forward after the final legal process.
My worst nightmare became a reality after having pondered over the decision to leave the marriage for eight years. Even though it had been coming for a while, I was still thrown onto that emotional rollercoaster when my ex had to leave. It was like learning how to ice skate—jam-packed with emotions! You may be in this place now, whether you were forced to leave, your spouse left without you, or they brought in another partner. Whatever the case, you are now on the emotional rollercoaster.
Overwhelming Pain
This is very normal. Your marriage just died, and you’re overwhelmed with emotions that you cannot describe. You have to learn how to best deal with these emotions because, with the intensity of your pain, it’s very easy to lose sight of the result: getting through the divorce process and minimising the impact on your children.
It is essential to be aware of your emotions and their underlying causes. Understanding your emotions while this is happening will help you get a grip on your thoughts and release them in a more controlled manner, as opposed to defaulting to emotional outbursts. This doesn’t mean that you hide your feelings; you just learn to control them in a way that doesn’t further fuel your already raw emotions.
Specific Emotions You May Experience
Even though I had initiated the separation and divorce, I went through all manner of feelings: fear, hurt, feeling rejected, confused, unloved, relief, resentment, anger, doubt, guilt… plenty of guilt and disappointment.
Many times at night, I’d cry myself to sleep away from our daughter. I remember that inner feeling of paralysis—going through the motions of each day, with a young child who needed to be cared for. I was always wearing a paper-thin mask of ‘being okay’ to present to the world, while inside I was so broken. Yet, I had to keep going when all I wanted to do was curl up in a corner and go to sleep.
I was overflowing with the following emotions that are common and natural to those going through marital separation:
- Guilt and Shame: Guilt that I had brought the marriage to an end, or that I failed to save it. Guilt that this is not what I had in mind for our daughter. I didn’t experience shame, but many women do—shame that their marriage ‘failed’ the social stereotype of the ‘perfect’ family, and the shame of being instantly ‘stigmatised’ as coming from a ‘broken’ home.
- Fear and Anxiety: The ‘unknowns’ are overwhelming. How will I pay the bills? How will the children be affected? Will I be able to give them a stable, happy environment? Where will we live? Then there is the fear of losing control: fear your ex will hound you, pursue custody, or that the new partners in your children’s lives will prefer them to you.
- Anger and Revenge: You have to face it—your relationship is over. Women are often filled with anger (and, much as we don’t admit it, revenge). You’re angry that your spouse betrayed you, abandoned you, and disrespected you. You’re angry that you invested so much time and effort into a relationship that has not worked out. This anger can manifest in extremes: some go into a passive, “I am not going to fight you, ever” state (as I did), while others turn into rage, becoming consumed with revenge.
💡 The Path Forward: Finding Your New Normal
Understanding these emotions is the first step toward reclaiming your power. You are not defined by the pain or the failure of the marriage. These emotions are valid responses to a major trauma, but they do not have to control your future.
1. Seek Professional Help: Do not carry this burden alone. Find a therapist, coach, or support group that specialises in divorce and trauma. Professional guidance provides the tools to manage anxiety, process grief, and break free from destructive emotional cycles. 2. Focus on What You Can Control: You cannot control your ex-spouse’s actions, but you can control your reactions, your self-care, and the stability of your home environment. Shift your focus daily to the positive actions you can take for yourself and your children. 3. Prioritise Your Children’s Stability: Minimise conflict exposure and ensure your children feel safe and loved, regardless of where they are. Modelling controlled emotional responses teaches them resilience. 4. Rebuild Your Identity: Divorce strips away the identity of “spouse.” This is your chance to rediscover who you are as an individual—your passions, your strengths, and your purpose. Healing is a journey, not a destination. It is about moving from surviving to thriving.
🛠️ Get the Support You Need Today
You do not have to navigate this complicated journey of high-conflict divorce, emotional recovery, and co-parenting alone. These resources are designed to help you rebuild your life and emerge stronger.
- The Divorce & Narcissistic Abuse Strategy Course: Online program for rebuilding life in high-conflict situations.
- Link:
https://healingwomenshearts.app.clientclub.net/courses/offers/22f138b1-5563-445a-9971-ede5ddae1280
- Link:
- More Services:
- UBUNTU Family Ministry:
https://shiberoa.wixsite.com/shiberorakatsa/copy-of-ubuntu-family-ministry - 1:1 UBUNTU Coaching:
https://shiberoa.wixsite.com/shiberorakatsa
- UBUNTU Family Ministry:
