REMOVE THE SHAME OF GETTING SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
This is for the women who are experiencing shame and guilt for being forced to go through divorce/separation, and for those who have had to decide to go down this road because of their unique circumstances. And the shame that comes from being stigmatised for being a ‘scarlet’ woman, and the feelings of guilt for having ‘failed’ in your marriage. Why You Should Never Feel Ashamed to Get a Divorce If you decide to bring your marriage to an end, or find yourself at the end of a forced separation or divorce, you might feel a sense of guilt or shame. You are not alone. For many, divorce can be a shameful public admission of defeat – a failure to remain true to vows that were said when first getting married. Because divorce is considered a “shameful” thing, especially in African society, especially if you are a woman, it can lead many women to fall into depression. But if you feel ashamed of your divorce, keep these four things in mind as you move forward and heal. Avoiding a Cloak of Shame People will always hold their own personal beliefs about divorce. However, if you choose to end your marriage, or find yourself in marital separation, you have no reason to feel ashamed. Those who make comments will always be on the outside looking in and have no idea of the facts and your reasons for ending your marriage. Be assured that marital separation and divorce are not signs of weakness; it takes strength to walk away from a marriage. It’s the right thing to do if the marriage is an unhappy, abusive one, as staying together can do all kinds of damage, not only to couples, but especially to the children.It’s worth noting that most shame associated with ending a marriage can also be self-inflicted. Avoid revisiting the mistakes you made and harbouring regrets. Instead, surround yourself with people who you know will support you and cut yourself off from those who baulk at your decision to end your marriage or in the forced separation you find yourself in now… Society attaches shame to divorce, but that’s not something you can control. Therefore, you shouldn’t feel shame or guilt about doing what’s right for you or your children, and if it is forced upon you, that’s probably a blessing in disguise. You have to refuse the emotional cost of divorce that other people try to put on you and focus on taking care of yourself, your children, and your future. Separation and Divorce IS NOT a Failure You may be feeling the shame of your marital separation and divorce. You may be feeling that the marriage ‘failing’ is a sign that you are inferior. It’s not true. The reality is that life throws us curveballs, and when it does, we have to deal with them the best way possible, with whatever life skills we have within us. Some of these curveballs are in relationships. Some are in jobs. Some are in academics. Some are physical. Some are financial. Some health. This is what makes us all different, alike — and human. To deny failure, is to deny humanity. When you look at divorce that way, you may not feel so ashamed. Ending a marriage is a sign that your relationship is over. But instead of viewing that as a bad thing, you need to focus on the positive: You made a choice or a forced choice was imposed on you, that was likely best for you, your ex, and anyone else involved in the decision, such as children. Divorce is a new phase of your life. I have spoken with ladies, urging them on not to waste this season, it comes with many blessings that you can’t immediately see. When shame is removed from the equation, a powerful shift in attitude and future behaviours can result. There is a new dawn up ahead…..much as you may not see it now, your future will be even better than the past. It can show you the toxic people in your life. If you’re around people who are shaming you for your divorce, you need to ask them to support you, be there for you, and stop their negative comments. If they can’t, then move on. If those who are close to you can’t support you, then don’t waste your energy on them. It takes a lot of courage to admit that something just isn’t working, even when you have been forced into it. We can often be too stubborn to admit that, but through a divorce, life can actually be better than the deep unhappiness you may have been living in. In removing the shame-based ideology from marital separation and divorce, you’ll come to realise that divorce is not always a negative thing. In fact, divorce can be a powerful tool, throwing you into the next season of your life. I know it can be hard for some people to drown out the comments/looks/gossip of others — but these people are not their friends, and what they think doesn’t matter. You can’t help how you feel, but if you are feeling shame, guilt, or ostracised following a marital separation or divorce, it helps to know that you are not alone. Speak to a trusted therapist or find trusted friends, family or your pastor, who can help you take some of the shame out of the equation. The supernatural gift of divorce Please know that there is a supernatural gift in divorce, a unique experience of beauty and identification with God that can rise out of the ashes of devastation in your life. This does not mean that I am advocating for divorce – but if this is where you are, then know that there is HOPE for your future. When you feel most abandoned, most shamed, and most betrayed in your life, that is when it becomes the doorway through which we realise the depth of God’s profound provision of
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FACING SEPARATION OR DIVORCE?
You don’t have to go through this alone. I went through my own separation in 2006, andcompleted the divorce in 2015. I know firsthandwhat it’s like to experience the emotional pain,anger, and fear that occur during divorce. I havebeen right where you are.Divorce is something I never thought about or evencontemplated but it can happen to anyone. And ithappened to me. It was the biggest, most shockingand difficult life-changing experience. It tore myfamily apart. Literally bring such intense feelings ofgreat pain and destruction. This article is sharing the gems I learnt about the emotional rollercoaster as Iwent through separation and divorce. If you can understand the rollercoaster ofemotions it will help in minimizing the impact on yourself and the children.While for some people separation and divorce is a relieving end to an abusive and orextremely toxic and unhappy marriage, for others, the disintegration of the relationshipand the divorce itself can actually cause you deep psychological distress especiallyanxiety and depression that can affect you’re moving forward after the final legalprocess.My worst nightmare became a reality after having pondered over the decision foreight years to leave the marriage. The nightmare had become a reality. Even though it had been coming for a while, I was still thrown into that emotional rollercoaster, whenmy ex had to leave. It was like learning how to ice skate, jam packed with emotions!You may be in this place now, where you find that you have been forced to leave themarriage or your spouse has up and left or they have brought in another partner.Whatever the case, you are now on the emotional rollercoaster.Overwhelming Pain This is very normal. Your marriage just died and you’reoverwhelmed with emotions that you cannot describe. Youhave to learn how to best deal with these emotions because,with the pain of your emotions, it’s very easy to lose sight ofthe end result, which is getting through the divorce processand minimizing the impact of the pain and on your children.It is important to be aware of what you are feeling and whyyou are feeling it. Being able to understand our emotionswhile this is happening will help you get a grip on yourthoughts and release them in a more controlled manner, asopposed to not thinking about it and defaulting to emotionaloutbursts. This doesn’t mean that you hide your feelings; you just learn to control them in a waythat doesn’t further fuel your already raw emotions. Specific Emotions You May Experience Even though I had initiated the separation anddivorce in my marriage, I went through allmanner of feelings starting with fear, hurt,feeling rejected confused and unloved, relief,resentment for being pushed to make thedecision for my daughter and me, anger,doubt, guilt…plenty of guilt anddisappointment.Many times at night I’d cry myself to sleepaway from our daughter. Not always, but most. I remember that inner feeling of paralysis – going through the motions of each day, witha young child who needed to be taken care of. Always wearing a paper-thin mask, of‘being okay’ to present to the world, while inside I was so broken, and yet had to keepgoing when all I wanted to do was curl up in a corner and go to sleep.I was overflowing with the following emotions that are common and natural to thosegoing through marital separation:
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