You don’t have to go through
this alone.
I went through my own separation in 2006, and
completed the divorce in 2015. I know firsthand
what it’s like to experience the emotional pain,
anger, and fear that occur during divorce. I have
been right where you are.
Divorce is something I never thought about or even
contemplated but it can happen to anyone. And it
happened to me. It was the biggest, most shocking
and difficult life-changing experience. It tore my
family apart. Literally bring such intense feelings of
great pain and destruction.
This article is sharing the gems I learnt about the emotional rollercoaster as I
went through separation and divorce. If you can understand the rollercoaster of
emotions it will help in minimizing the impact on yourself and the children.
While for some people separation and divorce is a relieving end to an abusive and or
extremely toxic and unhappy marriage, for others, the disintegration of the relationship
and the divorce itself can actually cause you deep psychological distress especially
anxiety and depression that can affect you’re moving forward after the final legal
process.
My worst nightmare became a reality after having pondered over the decision for
eight years to leave the marriage. The nightmare had become a reality. Even though it
had been coming for a while, I was still thrown into that emotional rollercoaster, when
my ex had to leave. It was like learning how to ice skate, jam packed with emotions!
You may be in this place now, where you find that you have been forced to leave the
marriage or your spouse has up and left or they have brought in another partner.
Whatever the case, you are now on the emotional rollercoaster.
Overwhelming Pain
This is very normal. Your marriage just died and you’re
overwhelmed with emotions that you cannot describe. You
have to learn how to best deal with these emotions because,
with the pain of your emotions, it’s very easy to lose sight of
the end result, which is getting through the divorce process
and minimizing the impact of the pain and on your children.
It is important to be aware of what you are feeling and why
you are feeling it. Being able to understand our emotions
while this is happening will help you get a grip on your
thoughts and release them in a more controlled manner, as
opposed to not thinking about it and defaulting to emotional
outbursts.
This doesn’t mean that you hide your feelings; you just learn to control them in a way
that doesn’t further fuel your already raw emotions.
Specific Emotions You May Experience
Even though I had initiated the separation and
divorce in my marriage, I went through all
manner of feelings starting with fear, hurt,
feeling rejected confused and unloved, relief,
resentment for being pushed to make the
decision for my daughter and me, anger,
doubt, guilt…plenty of guilt and
disappointment.
Many times at night I’d cry myself to sleep
away from our daughter. Not always, but most.
I remember that inner feeling of paralysis – going through the motions of each day, with
a young child who needed to be taken care of. Always wearing a paper-thin mask, of
‘being okay’ to present to the world, while inside I was so broken, and yet had to keep
going when all I wanted to do was curl up in a corner and go to sleep.
I was overflowing with the following emotions that are common and natural to those
going through marital separation:
- Guilt and Shame: Guilt that I had brought the marriage to an end, guilt that even though I
had done all I could to save our marriage I had failed. Guilt that this is not what I had in mind for
our daughter. Guilt that I couldn’t take her pain away. I didn’t experience shame, but many
women do.
Shame because your marriage ‘failed’ the social stereotype of the ‘perfect’ family. Shame,
because you realize that everybody is going to look down on you and your children as coming
from a ‘broken’ home. The shame of already being ‘stigmatized’. - Fear and Anxiety: Fear and anxiety are overwhelming. There are so many ‘unknowns’
that bring on fear and anxiety. How am I going to pay the bills? Will the children be visiting
your ex? How will this affect them? Will you be able to give them a stable happy environment?
Will they continue school? Where will you live?
The issues that come to cause anxiety and fear are endless.
Then there is the fear….the fear that comes from losing control. The fear that your ex will hound
you, claim and get everything he wants.
Fear that the new women in your children’s lives will prefer them to you. The constant threats he
will pursue custody and take your children away. Will you get your share of the assets you had
between the two of you as a couple? - Anger and Revenge: You have to face it. Your marriage and relationship are now
over…..women are often filled with anger and much as we don’t admit it, revenge. You’re angry
that your spouse betrayed you and your family. You were abandoned, disrespected and thrown
out like a dirty piece of cloth. You’re angry that you invested so much time and effort into a
relationship that has not worked out.
You’re angry because your spouse is now telling you that you’re not going to get anything out of
the marriage or that you’re never going to see your children again.
This anger can come in two extremes. I went into a passive, ‘I am not going to fight you,
ever’, whereas there are those whose anger will turn into rage, where you can become
consumed with revenge.
