I remember when I came returned from the USA after my studies at the tender age of
28 years. I was single and found most of my high school buddies were married, most
with children. I faced many questions.
“Why Are You Still Single?”
At that age, the number of questions I was asked by well-intentioned friends, or by
concerned colleagues, like “Are you dating someone?” or “When are you going to find a
husband?” The questions sometimes became even more intrusive: “What do you want
to do with your life?” and “Don’t you want to get married?” and the one that used to
make me want to scream was…” you’d better get married quickly and have children…” I
mean REALLY! Interestingly, my family were never concerned about my single status.
Most of these questions came from sympathetic people, but sometimes they came from
those who expected me to measure up to their idea of what my life should be. Being
who I was then, I simply smiled and give an uncomfortable answer to their
condescending inquiries.
Fast Forward. 60+ Being an Unmarried Single
Forward the clock, now in my early sixties, the year 2022. Been married and divorced
after 18 years of marriage.
What’s different from before when I was 28 years old? Well am older, wiser and
divorced! Which has its own issues as a Single! But bottom line, same views from
community and friends about being unmarried, worse than when I hadn’t been married
as a single. ‘You cannot be as happy being an unmarried single, because you are
without a husband or wife.’ And being divorced – now a single ‘scarlet’ woman – who
couldn’t hold her marriage together. You’re not invited to places by your married friends
like you used to be. People feel uncomfortable about you talking about divorce….
Social media hasn’t helped the cause either by implementing the ever-intrusive
relationship status. Who thought that was a good idea? Not only do we have to post
pictures of our happy, well-adjusted single life, but we also have to let all of our “friends”
know when exactly we are in a relationship with one click of a button. Not to mention
seeing all of our friends’ perfectly-posed couple photos crowding our newsfeed, when
you are aware that the ‘happily married’ photos on face book is not the reality of their
marriage …. Being single is alienating enough, without a constant reminder of how’
happy’ everyone else is with their significant other!
And with that one click or scroll, your whole life can be defined by the outside world.
Your relationship, your happiness or how successful you are determined and rated by
the number of “likes “you receive.
And Online Dating Apps….
If being single wasn’t already hard enough, now dating apps have been added into the
mix. Essentially, someone is deciding your relationship fate based on a two-second
judgment of your best profile picture. Oh, and then there’s the completely irrational fear
that you may have “swiped left” on your soul mate.
Bottom line – society expect you to be married whatever your age once you become an
adult. We do live in a ‘couples’ world, where most of us are expected to ‘fit in’, that
is…find a ‘partner’ like everyone else.
For many Singles, this can be a long, lonely, and confusing road, especially when it’s
unwanted, whether through never having married, widowed, separated or divorced. We
can walk through a winding decade of loneliness within your own thoughts of insecurity.
Being ‘Single’ Does Not Necessarily Equal To Looking for Love.
Contrary to popular belief, being single isn’t about the need to fit into the ‘couples’ world
by looking for love. If you are unhappy being single and feel you must have a
partner/spouse/be married, then I can predict that once you are in any intimate
relationship, you will become ‘co- dependent’ meaning the relationship and your partner
becomes the air that you breath, you live through them and they become your identity,
no matter how unhappy you are, you need that relationship to ‘stay alive’ and being
single without that relationship, means being ‘depressed’ and terribly unhappy and
lonely. And this becomes ‘normal’ for you, which is a major problem that will affect all
your intimate relationships.
Lessons I Learnt About the Season of ‘Singleton’
Life has its seasons. Being ‘single’ is just another season of life and for very good
reason. It isn’t about being alone, it’s about being by yourself, and making yourself a
better person, not someone else.
It’s when you should be exploring who you are, your strengths, passions, gifting’s, flaws
and your faith and finding inner peace and healing from wounds of the past – not from
somebody else but from who God created you to be.
Consequently building yourself into the best version of you that you can be. You can’t
possibly expect your potential life partner to make you happy because life doesn’t work
out that way. Nobody can make you happy, until you find your inner joy, peace and
happiness as a whole person.
If you are free of psychological, traditional, cultural baggage and emotional wounds,
then being single won’t bother you at all. On the contrary you can be very happy, while
enjoying the privileges of being commitment free, where you can pursue your goals of
life.
However from my professional and personal experiences as a single and around
singles, many of which are women, sadly most of us have emotional dependency to find
total happiness in our marital or courtship relationships. That’s not how life is…….
It’s a Choice You Need to Make.
You can go through this season and if you focus on ‘who am I’ as God created you, and
work on realizing the potential of this person within, this season can become extremely
joyful and fulfilling, in preparation for the next season in your life – whatever that maybe.
This is what I have learnt as a Single:
- You may not get married
“What do you want your life to be like if you never get married?” This is crucial in
understanding if you are struggling to find contentment being single.
The truth is, God hasn’t promised any of us marriage. Time after time, we’re told, “God
has someone who will be perfect for you!” when God has promised no such thing. God
promises to meet our needs; He doesn’t promise us a husband or a wife.
It might take some time to process this truth, to let this sink in and to grieve the
potential loss of a dream. But the value in accepting this harsh reality is that it allows
you to begin to dream new dreams for your life and to live fully the life you’ve been given
today. - You can be content
Many of us believe that to be content, one of two things must happen: We must get
married, or we must purge ourselves of any desire to ever be married. Either way, our
definition of contentment is completely wrong.
Contentment doesn’t eliminate your desires. You can be content today as a single and
still want to get married someday. Contentment is a decision, not a feeling. It’s a
determination to be satisfied with what God has given you today. Because of this, it’s
possible to be content in your single state. And if you practice contentment today, you’ll
be better prepared for whatever life brings your way.
- You have no need to be ashamed
In addition to loneliness and jealousy, many of us feel a sense of shame about not being
married. We feel awkward when we walk into places alone, as though there’s something
wrong with us for not being attached to someone else. There’s nothing wrong in being
single. - Marriage isn’t better or worse than singleness – it’s just different
The extent to which we’re able to be content being single depends really on what we
believe about marriage. Do we believe we’re missing out? - You can change the way you feel about being single by changing the way you think
about being single
Most of us believe, in general, that we can’t control our feelings. Actually, it is possible
to change the way you feel. Your thoughts and feelings are intricately connected. To be
emotionally healthy, your thoughts must be full of truth.
If you think your married friends are better off, that God has overlooked you, that you’ve
missed His plan for your life, you’ll be miserable. If, on the other hand, you know you’re
right where God wants you to be, that being unattached isn’t a badge of shame, and that
marriage doesn’t bring instant fulfillment, your emotions will be transformed.
What do you really believe about being single? Are there lies at the root of your negative
emotions? Track them down, root them out. Your feelings will change, and you’ll find a
world of possibilities in your single life.
My desire for you , if you one day want to be married, is that you find each other when
you know who you truly are – having found peace and happiness from within and
pursuing your dreams.
I know that this is the happiest I have been in my life – doing the things that God has
called me to do and becoming the best of that person – Me.
Written by Shibero Akatsa
