Today, I want to speak directly to the woman who finds herself standing at a crossroads. You are in a position where you are considering—or perhaps have already decided—to file for divorce. You aren’t in a high-risk, physically violent situation, but you are deeply hurt, dissatisfied, and exhausted. Right now, divorce feels like the only door left open.
Before you walk through that door, I want to share 10 realities from my book, Reality of Divorce, based on my own journey and the experiences I’ve seen here in Kenya. My hope is not to judge you, but to give you the full picture of the price that is often paid along the way.
1. The Shadow of a Patriarchal System
We live in a society where the systems meant to support us are often grounded in traditional, oppressive attitudes toward women. When you enter the legal and social “machinery” of divorce in Kenya, you aren’t just dealing with a breakup; you are navigating a male-dominated environment. In my own journey, I faced everything from sexual harassment by a lawyer to being mistreated by the very police meant to protect me.
2. The Weight of Depression and Isolation
Unless you are walking closely with God, divorce is an incredibly lonely path. You are juggling legal systems, your children’s emotions, and your own trauma simultaneously. It is no wonder so many women suffer from depression and PTSD. The emotional turmoil is “humongous,” and it wears you down physically and mentally.
3. The “Gianormous” Financial Burden
Let’s talk about the money. Legal fees are not a one-off payment; they are ongoing and staggering. You can expect to pay anywhere from 25,000 to 200,000 KES (and often much more) just to keep the process moving. Finding an honest, competent lawyer is a battle in itself—I went through seven before my process was finished.
4. The Loss of Lifestyle
Unless you were the primary breadwinner, your personal finances will likely plummet. In Kenya, a large majority of divorced women, especially stay-at-home moms, end up living on the line of poverty. Your lifestyle will change in ways you cannot imagine.
5. There Are No Financial Guarantees
Even with our Constitution, alimony or maintenance is never a guarantee. Corruption and systemic loopholes are real. After 18 years of marriage, I received no alimony. I know many women who had to abandon the divorce process halfway through simply because they ran out of money to fight.
6. Your Children’s “Worst Nightmare”
We often tell ourselves that children are resilient and that the upheaval is temporary. It isn’t. Divorce is often a child’s worst nightmare realized: the fear that their foundation is disappearing. Statistics show that children from divorced homes in these environments are five times more likely to face poverty and are at a higher risk for academic struggles and substance abuse.
7. The “Ugliness” of the War
Divorce has a way of turning adults animalistic. Your children will see sides of their parents that are contradictory to everything they knew. They get caught in the crossfire of the “war,” which can damage their relationship with both parents for a lifetime.
8. The Shrinking of the Family Tree
When you divorce, you don’t just lose a spouse; you often lose an entire side of the family. Grandparents, aunts, and cousins may disappear. In my case, after nearly a decade, there has been zero contact with my former in-laws. You find out very quickly who your real friends are—both inside and outside the church.
9. The Long Road to Stability
Rebuilding a stable life takes much longer than people tell you. While you are trying to heal from trauma, you are also trying to manage the “nitty-gritty” of daily survival. It is one of the toughest experiences a woman can go through.
10. A Death Without a Proper End
Divorce is like a death that never ends. It lacks the immediate closure of a funeral. The pain can linger for 30 years or more, carried by both you and the children.
Is There Another Way?
If your marriage is not volatile or life-threatening, I want to ask you: Have you truly done everything?
- Don’t give up prematurely: You have invested years, money, and dreams. If there is a 1% chance of restoration, it is often less painful than the 100% reality of divorce.
- Take it to God: Don’t try to solve this with your own strength. If you belong to a church, seek spiritual support. If not, find a trusted, unbiased counselor.
- A Warning on “New” Love: If you are leaving for another person, understand that a relationship built on the ashes of an affair is already under a shadow. It rarely provides the peace you are looking for.
Final Thoughts
I know you are in pain. I know you feel that leaving is the only way to stop the hurting. But unless you absolutely must leave for your safety, I urge you to take a long pause. Go back to the drawing board. Ask for the strength to reconcile if it is at all possible.
Divorce isn’t just a legal filing; it’s a total life transformation. Make sure you are ready for the reality of that walk before you take the first step.
God Bless
Shibero
