Divorce: The Woman’s Reality
Today, I want to speak directly to the woman who finds herself standing at a crossroads. You are in a position where you are considering—or perhaps have already decided—to file for divorce. You aren’t in a high-risk, physically violent situation, but you are deeply hurt, dissatisfied, and exhausted. Right now, divorce feels like the only door left open. Before you walk through that door, I want to share 10 realities from my book, Reality of Divorce, based on my own journey and the experiences I’ve seen here in Kenya. My hope is not to judge you, but to give you the full picture of the price that is often paid along the way. 1. The Shadow of a Patriarchal System We live in a society where the systems meant to support us are often grounded in traditional, oppressive attitudes toward women. When you enter the legal and social “machinery” of divorce in Kenya, you aren’t just dealing with a breakup; you are navigating a male-dominated environment. In my own journey, I faced everything from sexual harassment by a lawyer to being mistreated by the very police meant to protect me. 2. The Weight of Depression and Isolation Unless you are walking closely with God, divorce is an incredibly lonely path. You are juggling legal systems, your children’s emotions, and your own trauma simultaneously. It is no wonder so many women suffer from depression and PTSD. The emotional turmoil is “humongous,” and it wears you down physically and mentally. 3. The “Gianormous” Financial Burden Let’s talk about the money. Legal fees are not a one-off payment; they are ongoing and staggering. You can expect to pay anywhere from 25,000 to 200,000 KES (and often much more) just to keep the process moving. Finding an honest, competent lawyer is a battle in itself—I went through seven before my process was finished. 4. The Loss of Lifestyle Unless you were the primary breadwinner, your personal finances will likely plummet. In Kenya, a large majority of divorced women, especially stay-at-home moms, end up living on the line of poverty. Your lifestyle will change in ways you cannot imagine. 5. There Are No Financial Guarantees Even with our Constitution, alimony or maintenance is never a guarantee. Corruption and systemic loopholes are real. After 18 years of marriage, I received no alimony. I know many women who had to abandon the divorce process halfway through simply because they ran out of money to fight. 6. Your Children’s “Worst Nightmare” We often tell ourselves that children are resilient and that the upheaval is temporary. It isn’t. Divorce is often a child’s worst nightmare realized: the fear that their foundation is disappearing. Statistics show that children from divorced homes in these environments are five times more likely to face poverty and are at a higher risk for academic struggles and substance abuse. 7. The “Ugliness” of the War Divorce has a way of turning adults animalistic. Your children will see sides of their parents that are contradictory to everything they knew. They get caught in the crossfire of the “war,” which can damage their relationship with both parents for a lifetime. 8. The Shrinking of the Family Tree When you divorce, you don’t just lose a spouse; you often lose an entire side of the family. Grandparents, aunts, and cousins may disappear. In my case, after nearly a decade, there has been zero contact with my former in-laws. You find out very quickly who your real friends are—both inside and outside the church. 9. The Long Road to Stability Rebuilding a stable life takes much longer than people tell you. While you are trying to heal from trauma, you are also trying to manage the “nitty-gritty” of daily survival. It is one of the toughest experiences a woman can go through. 10. A Death Without a Proper End Divorce is like a death that never ends. It lacks the immediate closure of a funeral. The pain can linger for 30 years or more, carried by both you and the children. Is There Another Way? If your marriage is not volatile or life-threatening, I want to ask you: Have you truly done everything? Final Thoughts I know you are in pain. I know you feel that leaving is the only way to stop the hurting. But unless you absolutely must leave for your safety, I urge you to take a long pause. Go back to the drawing board. Ask for the strength to reconcile if it is at all possible. Divorce isn’t just a legal filing; it’s a total life transformation. Make sure you are ready for the reality of that walk before you take the first step. God Bless Shibero
Read MoreThe Influence of a Man in His Home
There is something worth reflecting on. Across many African homes, a man carries a responsibility that is not always spoken about… yet it is deeply felt. It is not only the responsibility to provide. It is the responsibility of presence. The Space We Call Home The world outside can be demanding. It asks a lot.It stretches, it pressures, it requires resilience. And as men, we often learn to meet that world with strength — to endure, to push through, to carry on. But the home is a different kind of space. Or at least… it is meant to be. It is not an extension of the battlefield.It is meant to be a place of rest. What Enters With Us Each time a man walks through his door, he brings something with him. Not just physically — but emotionally. The tone of his voice.The weight of his mood.The way he responds… or doesn’t respond. All of these things quietly shape the atmosphere of a home. Children feel it, even when nothing is said.A partner feels it, often in ways that are hard to explain. And over time, that atmosphere becomes the environment people live in every day. Understanding Strength Differently Many of us were raised with a clear idea of what strength looks like. To be firm.To be in control.To not show weakness. But within the home, strength can take on a different form. It can look like: This does not mean ignoring what is happening in the world. It simply means recognising that not every weight needs to enter the home. The Impact We May Not Always See The influence of a man in his home is often quiet, but far-reaching. When there is steadiness: And over time, something deeper is built. Not just a household… but a foundation. One that shapes how people see themselves, how they relate to others, and how they move through the world. A Point of Reflection This is not about getting everything right. No one does. But it is an invitation to become aware. To recognise that there is a moment — often unnoticed —between the outside world and the inside of the home. And within that moment, there is choice. Presence as Leadership Leadership in a home is not always loud. It does not always come through instruction or authority. Often, it is expressed through presence. Through: Because long after specific words are forgotten,what remains is how people experienced you. Closing Thought Perhaps the role of a man is not only to carry the weight of life… …but also to know where that weight belongs. To understand that a home can be something different.Something steady.Something safe. And that the way he shows up each dayquietly helps shape that reality. ‘He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?’ 1 Timothy 3:4-5
Read MoreThe Weight of Unforgiveness
Have you ever felt like a dagger in your heart when someone wronged you? Let’s be real. We’ve all been there. Maybe it was that time your bestie completely forgot about your big day. Maybe your dad just didn’t understand why you chose that career path, or perhaps it was the painful memories from school when you were picked on. And of course, there’s nothing like the pain that comes from betrayal by someone you share your life with. Be it a big incident or just a tiny slip, getting hurt is a universal experience. When we’re hurt, especially by those dear to us, it’s like an emotional storm brews within us. We feel rejected, scared, betrayed, or just downright insecure. Just like how a tiny cut can get seriously infected if we don’t treat it right, these emotional cuts can get infected too. They can fester with resentment, bitterness, and thoughts of revenge. Instead of helping ourselves heal with a dose of forgiveness, sometimes we unknowingly sip on the poison called unforgiveness. So, what is unforgiveness? Imagine holding onto a balloon filled with anger, resentment, and all those nasty emotions. That’s unforgiveness. It’s when we can’t let go of the pain someone caused us. Instead of healing and moving on, we keep replaying it in our heads, feeling that anger and hurt all over again. And just like any wound that doesn’t get the care it needs, with time, it doesn’t get better—it only gets worse. Imagine lugging around a massive backpack everywhere you go. At first, it might seem manageable, but as days turn into weeks and weeks into months, that bag becomes unbearably heavy. That’s what unforgiveness is like – a constant, heavy weight on our souls. And the longer we ignore it, the deeper it roots, pulling us down. Ladies, unforgiveness? It’s toxic. We’re feeding our souls with something that’s slowly poisoning us from the inside. But what does it do to us? Let’s dive into the negative effects of unforgiveness. So, diving right back in—unforgiveness? It’s like a whirlwind of chaos inside us. Picture it: an emotional hurricane that tosses up stress, anxiety, depression, insecurity, and a heap of fear. And beneath all of that? A heart that’s turned stone-cold. You see their face or even just hear their name, and suddenly you’re reliving all those emotions of anger, resentment, and bitterness. It’s like a never-ending replay of a painful past. And sometimes, the hurt takes over so much that we lose the zest for life. Sound familiar? Imagine your mind as a room, and unforgiveness. It’s like that oversized, obnoxious piece of furniture that takes up all the space, making it difficult to breathe. You replay that painful moment, dissecting every word, every gesture, like a film critic analyzing a movie. And maybe you’ve caught yourself crafting the perfect confrontation speech or daydreaming about some poetic justice. And, ugh, when we get caught in that loop? It’s not just about the current heartache. Suddenly, every bad memory from the past wants a starring role. It feels like we’re trapped in this twisted cinema of our own making. When we’re draped in unforgiveness, everything looks different. The world seems like a stage where every misstep feels like a scene directed against you. You start to walk on eggshells, expecting not just the one who hurt you, but everyone, to let you down. Before you know it, that pain isn’t just an emotion; it’s become your entire persona. And, ladies, it doesn’t stop there. Holding onto grudges isn’t just harmful to us; it’s also not our most glamorous side. Maybe you’ve found yourself ranting about that person one too many times or stretching the truth to gain a few sympathetic nods. And those passive-aggressive vibes, the silent treatments, or maybe the petty jabs? Not the best accessories we could choose. Revelling in someone else’s misfortunes or plotting revenge? It’s like we’re donning a cloak of negativity. Picture unforgiveness as a spill of red wine on a white carpet; it spreads, staining everything in its path. Maybe your partner or colleagues are tired of that same old rerun, or perhaps your friends are starting to keep their distance. And, let’s be real: it’s hard to share love and warmth when there’s a chill in our hearts. That distrust? It creates a wall between and our loved ones. It’s like wearing armour 24/7 because we’re scared of getting hurt again. The cherry on this not-so-delicious cake? Unforgiveness doesn’t just tug at our heartstrings; it messes with our health, too. Studies have linked it to high blood pressure, a weaker immune system, sleepless nights, lingering pain, and even heart troubles. And get this: because of its damaging effects, cancer treatments are now including forgiveness exercises to help patients heal. Sisters, let’s reclaim our space, our health, and our hearts. It’s time for a spring cleaning of the soul!
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REMOVE THE SHAME OF GETTING SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
This is for the women who are experiencing shame and guilt for being forced to go through divorce/separation, and for those who have had to decide to go down this road because of their unique circumstances. And the shame that comes from being stigmatised for being a ‘scarlet’ woman, and the feelings of guilt for having ‘failed’ in your marriage. Why You Should Never Feel Ashamed to Get a Divorce If you decide to bring your marriage to an end, or find yourself at the end of a forced separation or divorce, you might feel a sense of guilt or shame. You are not alone. For many, divorce can be a shameful public admission of defeat – a failure to remain true to vows that were said when first getting married. Because divorce is considered a “shameful” thing, especially in African society, especially if you are a woman, it can lead many women to fall into depression. But if you feel ashamed of your divorce, keep these four things in mind as you move forward and heal. Avoiding a Cloak of Shame People will always hold their own personal beliefs about divorce. However, if you choose to end your marriage, or find yourself in marital separation, you have no reason to feel ashamed. Those who make comments will always be on the outside looking in and have no idea of the facts and your reasons for ending your marriage. Be assured that marital separation and divorce are not signs of weakness; it takes strength to walk away from a marriage. It’s the right thing to do if the marriage is an unhappy, abusive one, as staying together can do all kinds of damage, not only to couples, but especially to the children.It’s worth noting that most shame associated with ending a marriage can also be self-inflicted. Avoid revisiting the mistakes you made and harbouring regrets. Instead, surround yourself with people who you know will support you and cut yourself off from those who baulk at your decision to end your marriage or in the forced separation you find yourself in now… Society attaches shame to divorce, but that’s not something you can control. Therefore, you shouldn’t feel shame or guilt about doing what’s right for you or your children, and if it is forced upon you, that’s probably a blessing in disguise. You have to refuse the emotional cost of divorce that other people try to put on you and focus on taking care of yourself, your children, and your future. Separation and Divorce IS NOT a Failure You may be feeling the shame of your marital separation and divorce. You may be feeling that the marriage ‘failing’ is a sign that you are inferior. It’s not true. The reality is that life throws us curveballs, and when it does, we have to deal with them the best way possible, with whatever life skills we have within us. Some of these curveballs are in relationships. Some are in jobs. Some are in academics. Some are physical. Some are financial. Some health. This is what makes us all different, alike — and human. To deny failure, is to deny humanity. When you look at divorce that way, you may not feel so ashamed. Ending a marriage is a sign that your relationship is over. But instead of viewing that as a bad thing, you need to focus on the positive: You made a choice or a forced choice was imposed on you, that was likely best for you, your ex, and anyone else involved in the decision, such as children. Divorce is a new phase of your life. I have spoken with ladies, urging them on not to waste this season, it comes with many blessings that you can’t immediately see. When shame is removed from the equation, a powerful shift in attitude and future behaviours can result. There is a new dawn up ahead…..much as you may not see it now, your future will be even better than the past. It can show you the toxic people in your life. If you’re around people who are shaming you for your divorce, you need to ask them to support you, be there for you, and stop their negative comments. If they can’t, then move on. If those who are close to you can’t support you, then don’t waste your energy on them. It takes a lot of courage to admit that something just isn’t working, even when you have been forced into it. We can often be too stubborn to admit that, but through a divorce, life can actually be better than the deep unhappiness you may have been living in. In removing the shame-based ideology from marital separation and divorce, you’ll come to realise that divorce is not always a negative thing. In fact, divorce can be a powerful tool, throwing you into the next season of your life. I know it can be hard for some people to drown out the comments/looks/gossip of others — but these people are not their friends, and what they think doesn’t matter. You can’t help how you feel, but if you are feeling shame, guilt, or ostracised following a marital separation or divorce, it helps to know that you are not alone. Speak to a trusted therapist or find trusted friends, family or your pastor, who can help you take some of the shame out of the equation. The supernatural gift of divorce Please know that there is a supernatural gift in divorce, a unique experience of beauty and identification with God that can rise out of the ashes of devastation in your life. This does not mean that I am advocating for divorce – but if this is where you are, then know that there is HOPE for your future. When you feel most abandoned, most shamed, and most betrayed in your life, that is when it becomes the doorway through which we realise the depth of God’s profound provision of
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GETTING OUT OF AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Okay, so how do you deal with an emotionally abusive relationship? If you're wondering whether you should leave an emotionally abusive relationship, just know that it gets worse.
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