The Weight of Unforgiveness
Have you ever felt like a dagger in your heart when someone wronged you? Let’s be real. We’ve all been there. Maybe it was that time your bestie completely forgot about your big day. Maybe your dad just didn’t understand why you chose that career path, or perhaps it was the painful memories from school when you were picked on. And of course, there’s nothing like the pain that comes from betrayal by someone you share your life with. Be it a big incident or just a tiny slip, getting hurt is a universal experience. When we’re hurt, especially by those dear to us, it’s like an emotional storm brews within us. We feel rejected, scared, betrayed, or just downright insecure. Just like how a tiny cut can get seriously infected if we don’t treat it right, these emotional cuts can get infected too. They can fester with resentment, bitterness, and thoughts of revenge. Instead of helping ourselves heal with a dose of forgiveness, sometimes we unknowingly sip on the poison called unforgiveness. So, what is unforgiveness? Imagine holding onto a balloon filled with anger, resentment, and all those nasty emotions. That’s unforgiveness. It’s when we can’t let go of the pain someone caused us. Instead of healing and moving on, we keep replaying it in our heads, feeling that anger and hurt all over again. And just like any wound that doesn’t get the care it needs, with time, it doesn’t get better—it only gets worse. Imagine lugging around a massive backpack everywhere you go. At first, it might seem manageable, but as days turn into weeks and weeks into months, that bag becomes unbearably heavy. That’s what unforgiveness is like – a constant, heavy weight on our souls. And the longer we ignore it, the deeper it roots, pulling us down. Ladies, unforgiveness? It’s toxic. We’re feeding our souls with something that’s slowly poisoning us from the inside. But what does it do to us? Let’s dive into the negative effects of unforgiveness. So, diving right back in—unforgiveness? It’s like a whirlwind of chaos inside us. Picture it: an emotional hurricane that tosses up stress, anxiety, depression, insecurity, and a heap of fear. And beneath all of that? A heart that’s turned stone-cold. You see their face or even just hear their name, and suddenly you’re reliving all those emotions of anger, resentment, and bitterness. It’s like a never-ending replay of a painful past. And sometimes, the hurt takes over so much that we lose the zest for life. Sound familiar? Imagine your mind as a room, and unforgiveness. It’s like that oversized, obnoxious piece of furniture that takes up all the space, making it difficult to breathe. You replay that painful moment, dissecting every word, every gesture, like a film critic analyzing a movie. And maybe you’ve caught yourself crafting the perfect confrontation speech or daydreaming about some poetic justice. And, ugh, when we get caught in that loop? It’s not just about the current heartache. Suddenly, every bad memory from the past wants a starring role. It feels like we’re trapped in this twisted cinema of our own making. When we’re draped in unforgiveness, everything looks different. The world seems like a stage where every misstep feels like a scene directed against you. You start to walk on eggshells, expecting not just the one who hurt you, but everyone, to let you down. Before you know it, that pain isn’t just an emotion; it’s become your entire persona. And, ladies, it doesn’t stop there. Holding onto grudges isn’t just harmful to us; it’s also not our most glamorous side. Maybe you’ve found yourself ranting about that person one too many times or stretching the truth to gain a few sympathetic nods. And those passive-aggressive vibes, the silent treatments, or maybe the petty jabs? Not the best accessories we could choose. Revelling in someone else’s misfortunes or plotting revenge? It’s like we’re donning a cloak of negativity. Picture unforgiveness as a spill of red wine on a white carpet; it spreads, staining everything in its path. Maybe your partner or colleagues are tired of that same old rerun, or perhaps your friends are starting to keep their distance. And, let’s be real: it’s hard to share love and warmth when there’s a chill in our hearts. That distrust? It creates a wall between and our loved ones. It’s like wearing armour 24/7 because we’re scared of getting hurt again. The cherry on this not-so-delicious cake? Unforgiveness doesn’t just tug at our heartstrings; it messes with our health, too. Studies have linked it to high blood pressure, a weaker immune system, sleepless nights, lingering pain, and even heart troubles. And get this: because of its damaging effects, cancer treatments are now including forgiveness exercises to help patients heal. Sisters, let’s reclaim our space, our health, and our hearts. It’s time for a spring cleaning of the soul!
Read MoreHow I Overcame Impostor Syndrome and Embraced Imperfection
Are you a perfectionist who constantly feels like you’re falling short? Do you find it difficult to acknowledge your achievements and live in constant fear of being exposed as a fraud? If so, you may be familiar with the frustrating phenomenon known as Impostor Syndrome. But don’t worry, I’ve been there too, and in this article, I’ll share my personal journey of overcoming Impostor Syndrome as a perfectionist. Together, we’ll explore the connection between perfectionism and self-doubt and uncover strategies to break free from its grip. The Perfectionist’s Mindset As a perfectionist, I’ve always held myself to impossibly high standards. I believed that my self-worth was directly linked to my achievements and the approval of others. But let me tell you, this mindset can be exhausting. The constant need for validation and the fear of failure created a never-ending cycle of self-criticism. The Impostor Phenomenon: My Worst Nightmare Impostor Syndrome, or the “Impostor Phenomenon,” took hold of me with its relentless grip. Despite my evident accomplishments, I couldn’t shake the feeling of inadequacy and the fear of being exposed as a fraud. This struggle hit home for me as a perfectionist due to a few reasons that I’d like to share: Overcoming the Impostor Syndrome My journey toward overcoming Impostor Syndrome wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. Here are some strategies that helped me break free from the clutches of self-doubt: Conclusion As a former perfectionist plagued by Impostor Syndrome, I can attest to the power of overcoming self-doubt and embracing imperfection. By understanding the underlying causes and implementing strategies to counter negative thought patterns, we can reclaim our self-worth and confidently acknowledge our achievements. Remember, true success is not measured by flawlessness but by the growth, learning, and impact we bring to the world. So let’s break free from the shackles of perfectionism and step into our authentic selves. Together, we can conquer Impostor Syndrome and thrive. Need impostor syndrome therapy to help you overcome it? Email: info@shibero.com
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REMOVE THE SHAME OF GETTING SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
This is for the women who are experiencing shame and guilt for being forced to go through divorce/separation, and for those who have had to decide to go down this road because of their unique circumstances. And the shame that comes from being stigmatised for being a ‘scarlet’ woman, and the feelings of guilt for having ‘failed’ in your marriage. Why You Should Never Feel Ashamed to Get a Divorce If you decide to bring your marriage to an end, or find yourself at the end of a forced separation or divorce, you might feel a sense of guilt or shame. You are not alone. For many, divorce can be a shameful public admission of defeat – a failure to remain true to vows that were said when first getting married. Because divorce is considered a “shameful” thing, especially in African society, especially if you are a woman, it can lead many women to fall into depression. But if you feel ashamed of your divorce, keep these four things in mind as you move forward and heal. Avoiding a Cloak of Shame People will always hold their own personal beliefs about divorce. However, if you choose to end your marriage, or find yourself in marital separation, you have no reason to feel ashamed. Those who make comments will always be on the outside looking in and have no idea of the facts and your reasons for ending your marriage. Be assured that marital separation and divorce are not signs of weakness; it takes strength to walk away from a marriage. It’s the right thing to do if the marriage is an unhappy, abusive one, as staying together can do all kinds of damage, not only to couples, but especially to the children.It’s worth noting that most shame associated with ending a marriage can also be self-inflicted. Avoid revisiting the mistakes you made and harbouring regrets. Instead, surround yourself with people who you know will support you and cut yourself off from those who baulk at your decision to end your marriage or in the forced separation you find yourself in now… Society attaches shame to divorce, but that’s not something you can control. Therefore, you shouldn’t feel shame or guilt about doing what’s right for you or your children, and if it is forced upon you, that’s probably a blessing in disguise. You have to refuse the emotional cost of divorce that other people try to put on you and focus on taking care of yourself, your children, and your future. Separation and Divorce IS NOT a Failure You may be feeling the shame of your marital separation and divorce. You may be feeling that the marriage ‘failing’ is a sign that you are inferior. It’s not true. The reality is that life throws us curveballs, and when it does, we have to deal with them the best way possible, with whatever life skills we have within us. Some of these curveballs are in relationships. Some are in jobs. Some are in academics. Some are physical. Some are financial. Some health. This is what makes us all different, alike — and human. To deny failure, is to deny humanity. When you look at divorce that way, you may not feel so ashamed. Ending a marriage is a sign that your relationship is over. But instead of viewing that as a bad thing, you need to focus on the positive: You made a choice or a forced choice was imposed on you, that was likely best for you, your ex, and anyone else involved in the decision, such as children. Divorce is a new phase of your life. I have spoken with ladies, urging them on not to waste this season, it comes with many blessings that you can’t immediately see. When shame is removed from the equation, a powerful shift in attitude and future behaviours can result. There is a new dawn up ahead…..much as you may not see it now, your future will be even better than the past. It can show you the toxic people in your life. If you’re around people who are shaming you for your divorce, you need to ask them to support you, be there for you, and stop their negative comments. If they can’t, then move on. If those who are close to you can’t support you, then don’t waste your energy on them. It takes a lot of courage to admit that something just isn’t working, even when you have been forced into it. We can often be too stubborn to admit that, but through a divorce, life can actually be better than the deep unhappiness you may have been living in. In removing the shame-based ideology from marital separation and divorce, you’ll come to realise that divorce is not always a negative thing. In fact, divorce can be a powerful tool, throwing you into the next season of your life. I know it can be hard for some people to drown out the comments/looks/gossip of others — but these people are not their friends, and what they think doesn’t matter. You can’t help how you feel, but if you are feeling shame, guilt, or ostracised following a marital separation or divorce, it helps to know that you are not alone. Speak to a trusted therapist or find trusted friends, family or your pastor, who can help you take some of the shame out of the equation. The supernatural gift of divorce Please know that there is a supernatural gift in divorce, a unique experience of beauty and identification with God that can rise out of the ashes of devastation in your life. This does not mean that I am advocating for divorce – but if this is where you are, then know that there is HOPE for your future. When you feel most abandoned, most shamed, and most betrayed in your life, that is when it becomes the doorway through which we realise the depth of God’s profound provision of
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HELP! I AM MARRIED TO A MAN WHO IS NARCISSISTIC
I was married to a narcissistic man. No matter how many prayers I said, how many tears I cried, or how many times I begged, screamed, and hoped he’d change….it only got from bad to worse, to the point of almost killing me.
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