MY STRUGGLE WITH DEPRESSION AND CLOSE BRUSH WITH SUICIDE.
I remember at the age of fourteen, wishing I could wave a magic wand that would zapme to a different planet or world, where I could become somebody else, because Ihated my life and the person I was. This was when it all started. I felt I didn’t ‘fit in’, anywhere at all. Through primary school, I had been teased and bullied by children, whowould tell me that I had ’big goggly eyes’ and ’fat legs’, and would ‘wheezed’ like atrain, from being asthmatic. My asthma also left me feeling very vulnerable. Every time Ihad an attack , I believed I was going to die…..and I had very many attacks. Toovercome my ‘ugliness and loneliness and to hide my fear of near ‘death experiences’ Iexcelled in sport and worked very hard in class. But the emotional scars from beingteased and bullied were deeply ingrained in me…. I got accepted into one of the most prestigious girls boarding schools in Nairobi, where Imet rich politician’s daughters and other extremely wealthy families. I didn’t fit into the’whose who’s’ families, neither did I have the latest clothes or get picked up in the latestcars, or by drivers. I was a very ‘invisible’ teenager, only becoming became visible as Icarried on hiding behind being good at sport and working hard in my classes andinvolvement with extracurricular activities. This feeling of being a ‘nobody’, who couldn’teven look at herself in the mirror, kept getting worse. In addition to which that feeling ofnot being ’acceptable’ to people, began to fill me up with anger, and even more hate formyself. I hadn’t a clue what was happening to me. It became a normal existence. My emotions became buried deep inside, unwilling to be released. They became sodeep that I was no longer sure what I was feeling, if anything at all, I became numb,confused, unsure of what the problem was. I was also being haunted by a dream, wherekept on falling and falling and falling, in this deep black hole, which would end justbefore I hit the bottom. I was so scared of what was going on inside of me. And mywithdrawals accompanied by my asthma attacks continued. At home when I wasn’t outin the midst of nature (this is where I found my peace), I was in the house….being a’sulky’ child and being tormented by this emotional distress that I couldn’t understand,which I couldn’t explain to Mum and Dad, whom I knew loved me. It was in this state of mind that I went to the USA for my university. The opportunity torun away from myself. My strategy for ‘survival’ and to be liked by people, was to be a‘pleaser’, who couldn’t say ’no’, and whose needs were less important than others. Ofcourse this opened me up to being abused. And I was. The opportunity arose . A guy I had met off campus expressed an interest in me. Wow!Actually, that was the only reason I dated him for a period of about three months. Oneof my dearest friends (and still is), my house mate at the time, couldn’t stand the man,she saw through him, but she couldn’t tell me. Throughout this period, I actually couldn’tstand the guy….as a matter of fact, what I felt about him came very close to hate. Ofcourse during this period of being with him, knowing how he was treating me,(emotionally and sexually abusive) made me hate myself even more…was I thatdesperate? Yes…I must have been, but couldn’t tear myself away. One evening, I caught him cheating on me…I cannot begin to express what that did tome…I felt like someone had put a knife into my heart, into that deep black hole… I wasonce again falling and falling and falling….everything as a big blur. I haven’t any ideahow I made it back to my home. Following morning, as I was going home from campus, feeling so lonely, very low, ugly,dirty and numb, I saw a car driving towards me. I remember clearly thinking….there’s nopoint carrying on…what for?..Go on jump… Jump….I stopped. And the voice carried on.Jump. Jump. It was totally surreal. I put my bag down. The voices carried on tormentingme. I shook my head in a daze. Who was that telling me to jump….before I knew it, thecar had passed. I believe my God had sent His angels to save me. I don’t remember how I got home. The following week, one wonderful caring AmericanItalian family, who had opened up their home and cared for many a foreign students,noticed all was not well with me at all. The husband and wife team were both intomental health, with one of them working at the student health center. The advised meon what to do. I went to the student health centre the following day and started my veryfirst treatment for my depression. The depression to date still comes and goes, however, I am aware when I am goingdownhill. I then call on God’s love and strength to keep me going in His joy. There isHOPE. Never give up.
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Why It’s Important to Understand if Your Teen Is Depressed
In Africa, nearly 37 million adolescents (aged 10–19) live with a mental disorder, with anxiety and depression affecting almost 50 per cent of them. Suicide is also the ninth most common cause of death among the above age group. (www.unicef.org/media/109886). From the above statistics, a large percentage of adolescents are affected by depression. It is crucial for parents with adolescents to understand the signs and symptoms of depression in your children. Depression is a mental disorder that affects a person’s moods or emotions, It is not an attitude that someone can “control” or “snap out of.” Remember what it was like for you as a teenager? The moods swings, the unpredictability of your behavior. Most of the time, those rapid and intense mood swings are a normal part of adolescence and as parents we assume it’s part of who they are during this season. Teen depression however, often disguises itself as the normal mood swings of puberty or teen angst, and often ignored until something serious happens, such as a suicide attempt, risk-taking behavior or self-harm. But sometimes, teenage mood swings can signal a more serious problem – depression and anxiety. Depressed teens experience significant emotional and sometimes physical pain, but they may not know how to make it better or find the help they need and parents are usually in the best position to begin the process. When mental health problems in children are not dealt with in the early years,children carry them into their adult years. Untreated depression can lead to other serious problems, such as difficulties in school, difficulties with relationships, substance use, behavior problems, and medical issues and the worst case scenario – suicide since depression is a strong predictor of suicide, which makes teens extremely vulnerable to suicide if they are not helped or treated. Identifying depression in teens can be difficult because it doesn’t necessarily show up in all aspects of a teen’s life and can come and go. Nevertheless, it is often serious. It is a mistake to wait and hope depression will get better on its own; it usually doesn’t.
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YOU CAN BE HAPPILY SINGLE
I remember when I came returned from the USA after my studies at the tender age of28 years. I was single and found most of my high school buddies were married, mostwith children. I faced many questions. “Why Are You Still Single?” At that age, the number of questions I was asked by well-intentioned friends, or byconcerned colleagues, like “Are you dating someone?” or “When are you going to find ahusband?” The questions sometimes became even more intrusive: “What do you wantto do with your life?” and “Don’t you want to get married?” and the one that used tomake me want to scream was…” you’d better get married quickly and have children…” Imean REALLY! Interestingly, my family were never concerned about my single status. Most of these questions came from sympathetic people, but sometimes they came fromthose who expected me to measure up to their idea of what my life should be. Being who I was then, I simply smiled and give an uncomfortable answer to theircondescending inquiries. Fast Forward. 60+ Being an Unmarried Single Forward the clock, now in my early sixties, the year 2022. Been married and divorcedafter 18 years of marriage. What’s different from before when I was 28 years old? Well am older, wiser anddivorced! Which has its own issues as a Single! But bottom line, same views fromcommunity and friends about being unmarried, worse than when I hadn’t been marriedas a single. ‘You cannot be as happy being an unmarried single, because you arewithout a husband or wife.’ And being divorced – now a single ‘scarlet’ woman – whocouldn’t hold her marriage together. You’re not invited to places by your married friendslike you used to be. People feel uncomfortable about you talking about divorce…. Social media hasn’t helped the cause either by implementing the ever-intrusiverelationship status. Who thought that was a good idea? Not only do we have to postpictures of our happy, well-adjusted single life, but we also have to let all of our “friends”know when exactly we are in a relationship with one click of a button. Not to mentionseeing all of our friends’ perfectly-posed couple photos crowding our newsfeed, whenyou are aware that the ‘happily married’ photos on face book is not the reality of theirmarriage …. Being single is alienating enough, without a constant reminder of how’happy’ everyone else is with their significant other!And with that one click or scroll, your whole life can be defined by the outside world.Your relationship, your happiness or how successful you are determined and rated bythe number of “likes “you receive. And Online Dating Apps….If being single wasn’t already hard enough, now dating apps have been added into themix. Essentially, someone is deciding your relationship fate based on a two-second judgment of your best profile picture. Oh, and then there’s the completely irrational fearthat you may have “swiped left” on your soul mate.Bottom line – society expect you to be married whatever your age once you become anadult. We do live in a ‘couples’ world, where most of us are expected to ‘fit in’, thatis…find a ‘partner’ like everyone else. For many Singles, this can be a long, lonely, and confusing road, especially when it’sunwanted, whether through never having married, widowed, separated or divorced. Wecan walk through a winding decade of loneliness within your own thoughts of insecurity. Being ‘Single’ Does Not Necessarily Equal To Looking for Love. Contrary to popular belief, being single isn’t about the need to fit into the ‘couples’ worldby looking for love. If you are unhappy being single and feel you must have apartner/spouse/be married, then I can predict that once you are in any intimaterelationship, you will become ‘co- dependent’ meaning the relationship and your partnerbecomes the air that you breath, you live through them and they become your identity,no matter how unhappy you are, you need that relationship to ‘stay alive’ and beingsingle without that relationship, means being ‘depressed’ and terribly unhappy andlonely. And this becomes ‘normal’ for you, which is a major problem that will affect allyour intimate relationships. Lessons I Learnt About the Season of ‘Singleton’ Life has its seasons. Being ‘single’ is just another season of life and for very goodreason. It isn’t about being alone, it’s about being by yourself, and making yourself abetter person, not someone else. It’s when you should be exploring who you are, your strengths, passions, gifting’s, flawsand your faith and finding inner peace and healing from wounds of the past – not fromsomebody else but from who God created you to be. Consequently building yourself into the best version of you that you can be. You can’tpossibly expect your potential life partner to make you happy because life doesn’t workout that way. Nobody can make you happy, until you find your inner joy, peace andhappiness as a whole person. If you are free of psychological, traditional, cultural baggage and emotional wounds,then being single won’t bother you at all. On the contrary you can be very happy, whileenjoying the privileges of being commitment free, where you can pursue your goals oflife. However from my professional and personal experiences as a single and aroundsingles, many of which are women, sadly most of us have emotional dependency to findtotal happiness in our marital or courtship relationships. That’s not how life is……. It’s a Choice You Need to Make.You can go through this season and if you focus on ‘who am I’ as God created you, andwork on realizing the potential of this person within, this season can become extremelyjoyful and fulfilling, in preparation for the next season in your life – whatever that maybe.This is what I have learnt as a Single: Many of us believe that to be content, one of two things must happen: We must getmarried, or we must purge ourselves of any desire to ever be married. Either way, ourdefinition of contentment is completely wrong.Contentment doesn’t eliminate your desires. You can be content today as a single andstill want to get married someday. Contentment is a decision,
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REMOVE THE SHAME OF GETTING SEPARATED OR DIVORCED
This is for the women who are experiencing shame and guilt for being forced to go through divorce/separation, and for those who have had to decide to go down this road because of their unique circumstances. And the shame that comes from being stigmatised for being a ‘scarlet’ woman, and the feelings of guilt for having ‘failed’ in your marriage. Why You Should Never Feel Ashamed to Get a Divorce If you decide to bring your marriage to an end, or find yourself at the end of a forced separation or divorce, you might feel a sense of guilt or shame. You are not alone. For many, divorce can be a shameful public admission of defeat – a failure to remain true to vows that were said when first getting married. Because divorce is considered a “shameful” thing, especially in African society, especially if you are a woman, it can lead many women to fall into depression. But if you feel ashamed of your divorce, keep these four things in mind as you move forward and heal. Avoiding a Cloak of Shame People will always hold their own personal beliefs about divorce. However, if you choose to end your marriage, or find yourself in marital separation, you have no reason to feel ashamed. Those who make comments will always be on the outside looking in and have no idea of the facts and your reasons for ending your marriage. Be assured that marital separation and divorce are not signs of weakness; it takes strength to walk away from a marriage. It’s the right thing to do if the marriage is an unhappy, abusive one, as staying together can do all kinds of damage, not only to couples, but especially to the children.It’s worth noting that most shame associated with ending a marriage can also be self-inflicted. Avoid revisiting the mistakes you made and harbouring regrets. Instead, surround yourself with people who you know will support you and cut yourself off from those who baulk at your decision to end your marriage or in the forced separation you find yourself in now… Society attaches shame to divorce, but that’s not something you can control. Therefore, you shouldn’t feel shame or guilt about doing what’s right for you or your children, and if it is forced upon you, that’s probably a blessing in disguise. You have to refuse the emotional cost of divorce that other people try to put on you and focus on taking care of yourself, your children, and your future. Separation and Divorce IS NOT a Failure You may be feeling the shame of your marital separation and divorce. You may be feeling that the marriage ‘failing’ is a sign that you are inferior. It’s not true. The reality is that life throws us curveballs, and when it does, we have to deal with them the best way possible, with whatever life skills we have within us. Some of these curveballs are in relationships. Some are in jobs. Some are in academics. Some are physical. Some are financial. Some health. This is what makes us all different, alike — and human. To deny failure, is to deny humanity. When you look at divorce that way, you may not feel so ashamed. Ending a marriage is a sign that your relationship is over. But instead of viewing that as a bad thing, you need to focus on the positive: You made a choice or a forced choice was imposed on you, that was likely best for you, your ex, and anyone else involved in the decision, such as children. Divorce is a new phase of your life. I have spoken with ladies, urging them on not to waste this season, it comes with many blessings that you can’t immediately see. When shame is removed from the equation, a powerful shift in attitude and future behaviours can result. There is a new dawn up ahead…..much as you may not see it now, your future will be even better than the past. It can show you the toxic people in your life. If you’re around people who are shaming you for your divorce, you need to ask them to support you, be there for you, and stop their negative comments. If they can’t, then move on. If those who are close to you can’t support you, then don’t waste your energy on them. It takes a lot of courage to admit that something just isn’t working, even when you have been forced into it. We can often be too stubborn to admit that, but through a divorce, life can actually be better than the deep unhappiness you may have been living in. In removing the shame-based ideology from marital separation and divorce, you’ll come to realise that divorce is not always a negative thing. In fact, divorce can be a powerful tool, throwing you into the next season of your life. I know it can be hard for some people to drown out the comments/looks/gossip of others — but these people are not their friends, and what they think doesn’t matter. You can’t help how you feel, but if you are feeling shame, guilt, or ostracised following a marital separation or divorce, it helps to know that you are not alone. Speak to a trusted therapist or find trusted friends, family or your pastor, who can help you take some of the shame out of the equation. The supernatural gift of divorce Please know that there is a supernatural gift in divorce, a unique experience of beauty and identification with God that can rise out of the ashes of devastation in your life. This does not mean that I am advocating for divorce – but if this is where you are, then know that there is HOPE for your future. When you feel most abandoned, most shamed, and most betrayed in your life, that is when it becomes the doorway through which we realise the depth of God’s profound provision of
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FACING SEPARATION OR DIVORCE?
You don’t have to go through this alone. I went through my own separation in 2006, andcompleted the divorce in 2015. I know firsthandwhat it’s like to experience the emotional pain,anger, and fear that occur during divorce. I havebeen right where you are.Divorce is something I never thought about or evencontemplated but it can happen to anyone. And ithappened to me. It was the biggest, most shockingand difficult life-changing experience. It tore myfamily apart. Literally bring such intense feelings ofgreat pain and destruction. This article is sharing the gems I learnt about the emotional rollercoaster as Iwent through separation and divorce. If you can understand the rollercoaster ofemotions it will help in minimizing the impact on yourself and the children.While for some people separation and divorce is a relieving end to an abusive and orextremely toxic and unhappy marriage, for others, the disintegration of the relationshipand the divorce itself can actually cause you deep psychological distress especiallyanxiety and depression that can affect you’re moving forward after the final legalprocess.My worst nightmare became a reality after having pondered over the decision foreight years to leave the marriage. The nightmare had become a reality. Even though it had been coming for a while, I was still thrown into that emotional rollercoaster, whenmy ex had to leave. It was like learning how to ice skate, jam packed with emotions!You may be in this place now, where you find that you have been forced to leave themarriage or your spouse has up and left or they have brought in another partner.Whatever the case, you are now on the emotional rollercoaster.Overwhelming Pain This is very normal. Your marriage just died and you’reoverwhelmed with emotions that you cannot describe. Youhave to learn how to best deal with these emotions because,with the pain of your emotions, it’s very easy to lose sight ofthe end result, which is getting through the divorce processand minimizing the impact of the pain and on your children.It is important to be aware of what you are feeling and whyyou are feeling it. Being able to understand our emotionswhile this is happening will help you get a grip on yourthoughts and release them in a more controlled manner, asopposed to not thinking about it and defaulting to emotionaloutbursts. This doesn’t mean that you hide your feelings; you just learn to control them in a waythat doesn’t further fuel your already raw emotions. Specific Emotions You May Experience Even though I had initiated the separation anddivorce in my marriage, I went through allmanner of feelings starting with fear, hurt,feeling rejected confused and unloved, relief,resentment for being pushed to make thedecision for my daughter and me, anger,doubt, guilt…plenty of guilt anddisappointment.Many times at night I’d cry myself to sleepaway from our daughter. Not always, but most. I remember that inner feeling of paralysis – going through the motions of each day, witha young child who needed to be taken care of. Always wearing a paper-thin mask, of‘being okay’ to present to the world, while inside I was so broken, and yet had to keepgoing when all I wanted to do was curl up in a corner and go to sleep.I was overflowing with the following emotions that are common and natural to thosegoing through marital separation:
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HELP! I AM MARRIED TO A MAN WHO IS NARCISSISTIC
I was married to a narcissistic man. No matter how many prayers I said, how many tears I cried, or how many times I begged, screamed, and hoped he’d change….it only got from bad to worse, to the point of almost killing me.
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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SAFETY PLANNING
When my ex-husband almost killed me, though I had seen the red flags screaming ‘beware the potential for domestic violence at hand’ the last thing on my mind was a safety plan for our daughter and myself. So when it happened, I was totally powerless as to what to do….
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Yellow Nail Polish: The Cyclical Nature of Depression
At about the age of seven, I begged my mom to buy me a bottle of neon yellow nail polish. After a few minutes (or what must have felt like an eon to my dear mother) of pleading, she caved.
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GETTING OUT OF AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Okay, so how do you deal with an emotionally abusive relationship? If you're wondering whether you should leave an emotionally abusive relationship, just know that it gets worse.
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Are You in An Emotionally Abusive Relationship?
Are you in an emotionally abusive relationship? If you’re thinking you might be, then you probably are!
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